Hello all! See, it didn't take me a month and a half to post again. What a crazy week it's been. Unfortunately, most of it was bad. Last Wednesday I found out that my Grandfather had died. He had a tumor in his lungs for a couple of years, but in the past 6 months or so he had a steady decline. I'm sad about it, but I'm more worried for my Grandmother than anything. She was faithfully married for 67 years, and rarely spent a day away from him. Actually, the morning after he was put into a Nursing Home, he died. She wanted to give it a go by herself, but finally came around to the idea of going to a Nursing Home herself. I don't exactly know how I feel about that. I know that wherever she goes will be a good facility, but I don't know if she can take that kind of control over her life, even if it is only minimal. Go figure, someone related to me would be stubborn as hell. :)

As for my Pa-pa, I could only wish to live half the life he did. He was one tenth of a second away from joining Jesse Owens on the 1936 U.S. Track team. ONE TENTH. That's a blink of the eye. He told me a story once about it, but he ended it by saying, "It didn't matter how fast I was, I still would've been looking at Jesse's behind the whole race." Meaning that Jesse Owens was too fast, my Pa-pa didn't swing that way. Jeez, get your head out of the gutter. He was Navy Boxing Middleweight Champion during World War II. He was the first football coach at Fort Stockton High School, a school that has gone on to win several state championships. He and a few farming buddies basically made the World Famous "Pecos Cantaloupe". One time, he bought 25,000 head of poor cattle so that he could lose money to go into a lower tax bracket, and ended up making $250,000 off of the deal. And he raised an unbelievably great family with his wife of 67 years. 67 years. Wouldn't that be nice? The man had great luck and a great life, how can I be sad because he lived so well? I can't. I'll miss him, but I'm sure he's up in heaven losing to my mom at golf. And he's not even bitchin' about her playing from the red tees.

Anyway, enough quasi-eulogy stuff. On to the other event of the week. My parents found out that their dog has Cancer. Crappy huh? Well, life goes on. I think they're going to try to get him treated if it's possible. I just hope some other horrible thing doesn't happen anytime soon. Oh well, that's what's been going on with me since the last time I posted. You guys take care, God Bless, and I love you you bastards. ¶ 11:54 PM

Hey everyone, I'm back from my trip to Houston that you knew nothing about because I haven't posted in a month. Yeah for me. So yes, my girlfriend and I went to see my brother and his family, and my best friend and his wife. We had a blast, although we didn't really do anything but stay at home and eat and talk about food (poor Amanda, but she was a trooper). And drink heavily, of course. Taking care of my 5-month old nephew doesn't exactly leave them time to go clubbing and stuff. Friday we had some burgers and fries, and of course some beers; mostly we sat around and talked, but it was cool. Saturday was fun though. We went to this sushi restaurant (We ate Eel), and then to this kick-ass market called Central Market (I'm a food-dork). My girlfriend and I tried to hit up the Galleria on "Tax Exemption Weekend," but after waiting 45 minutes for parking and getting nowhere, we left. At 6:00pm the fun began. My sister-in-law prepared a 7-course meal for all of us, and I'm not talking a six-pack and a burger. Here's the menu:

Amuse Bouche:
Mushroom Duxelle in Brioche Bread Box

Second Course:
Pan Seared Scallops with Watercress Puree

Palate Cleanser:
Pineapple Sorbet

Third Course:
Blue Cheese Crusted Filet Mignon with Crispy Leeks and Cabernet Sauce, with Carrot and Potato Puree

Fourth Course:
Mixed Greens with White Balsamic Vinagrette

Fifth Course:
Assorted Cheeses (Goat, Brie, Bleu, Manchego)

Sixth Course:
Chocolate Truffle Cake with Creme Anglaise and Raspberry Sauce

So with the Sorbet, that's seven courses. And that's not even the best part. She paired a different wine with each course. Sometimes two bottles. :) So by the end of the night, six people had finished eating all of that food, and had drank 8 bottles of wine and about 18 beers. Needless to say, the night ended with hilarity, A.K.A "booty shakin' to hip hop and making fun of the people next door with their simple Crab Boil." Unfortunately, on Sunday everyone felt the consequences. Not only the consequences of knowing that you will never be satisfied with having a steak without an Artezin '02 Zinfandel, but also the consequences of feeling that booze work it's way out of your body. Let's just say that I had a seven-course poop today. Ouch. But all in all, it was a great trip, and I hope to do something like it again. Hell, I'd love to prepare a 7-course meal for all of my friends sometime, but they're all gonna have to pony up the dough, because unlike my bro, I don't have a good job. So there you go. I'm a happy man. I hope you are all doing well and shit. :P ¶ 10:33 PM

What's up bitches?! Long time no write huh? Well, I apologize for not writing. And for lying about posting more often. It seems I got caught up in some stuff (girlfriend, reading too many damn books, working) that didn't leave much time for this thing. But now I'm writing again. And boy howdy do I have a lot to say:

First off, I love Tardos. That's right, for those of you who don't know, I work with developmentally disabled (retarded) people. I help them at their workplaces for the most part, but any extra time during the week is spent on finding them jobs in the community. I've got a total of 12, but 4 of them are the real reason for staying where I am.

You've got Anna, a 40-something black woman who swears that every time she eats she gets taller. And she thinks that if she doesn't keep her nails trimmed the voices in her head will get mad. Oh, and she thinks I can read her mind. Which of course, as we all know, I can.

You've got Rachel, a total wigger, says she only likes black guys, but talks about my ass all the time. I mean, it is a sweet ass, but come on, I don't do retarded. Oh, and I swear to everything holy that if anything has happened to you or anyone else, it happened to her too. "Yeah, I lost a testicle back in '97." "I lost both of mine in '03!" Ok Rach, you're freakin' me out here.

You've got Darren, a Down Syndrome client, and we're not talking Corky from "Life Goes On" either. He has thrown dog shit at me, tried to hit me with a broom, actually hit me with a tub full of laundry, told me he wanted to kill me, and most recently, spit in my face. Ok, so I don't really like Darren, but as of today I don't have to work with him anymore, so I'm good.

And finally, Larry. Another Down Syndrome client, but with a much sunnier attitude than Darren. Larry is convinced that he is a professional wrestler (BTW, watching wrestling seems to be the Retarded National pastime). Larry will stop what he's doing, walk over to you, and say he's Stone Cold Steve Austin, and flex his muscles while screaming at the same time. H-I-Fucking-Larious.

So as you can see, I love my job. And I love my Tardos. As for everything else? Well, my girlfriend's good. We had a great time on the 4th, and I really love her. Yeah, there are times when I wonder why she's with me, but then Rachel reminds my how sweet my ass is. I mean, how could I argue with a Tardo? Easy, just confuse the hell out of them, and they'll assume you won. Ok, so I'm probably going to get bitched at for that last one, but I was only kidding. I work hard for those people, and it really is a rewarding job.

To my girlfriend, I love you. To my friends, I love you too. To anyone stumbling on this blog who likes it, it's not working out. And to all of the above, (my hand grabs the back of everyone's head and pulls towards my crotch) Suck it. :) ¶ 9:19 PM

There are times in life when you think about everything you are, everything you were, and everything you will become. The last few weeks have been like that. I know that over the past few years I've shut out a lot of people I really cared about. I've made some bad decisions, and I've ruined some great relationships. But despite my stupidity and arrogance, I've made and kept some great relationships.

I'm in love. More in love than I've ever been. And for everyone who knows me, this was an improbable scenario. I've never cared as much about all of the people in my life as I do now. And I owe it all to her. Sometimes you need someone to come along and slap you in the face with reality. And that slap says "Nigga I will whoop yo' ass if you don't grow the fiznuck up...." (for some reason that slap is from a black man wearing a kevlar vest). But I want everyone to know (i.e. all of my friends who read this) that I appreciate your friendship, and that I really hope that we can always be as close as we are now, if not closer.

Sorry this was such a crappy update, but I love all of you guys, and I hope to see you soon. ¶ 12:44 AM

Ok guys, sorry I've been such a bad boy about the whole blogging thing, it's just that not a lot has been going on in my life lately. Well, except that I have a girlfriend now, and I'm an Uncle now(Caleb was born March 16). Oh, and I single-handedly stopped a terrorist attack with.....my single hand. Ok, so that last sentence isn't entirely true, I used both hands......and an ear. Not my ear mind you, just an ear. But seriously, I'm afraid the blogging bug left me for a while, but I'll try to keep up from now on until I really do fall off the face of the earth. I can't make any promises though, because one day I might really fall off the face of the earth, and I don't have a laptop with wireless internet. Plus, even if I did, I doubt they have wi-fi there.

So the purpose of a blog is to tell stories about my life, and reflect on things I've learned through those stories. But I'd rather do movie reviews. So here goes. My girlfriend and I rented Closer on DVD last weekend. It is a supremely fucked up movie. And I really liked it. And she and I learned a lot about our relationship because of it.

Things I learned :
1) I can never get my photograph taken by Julia Roberts or anyone deemed "as hot as" Julia Roberts.
2) I am not allowed to date strippers that get hit by a taxi.
3) Homoerotic Cyber Sex with Jude Law is strictly prohibited. Hopefully she meant Homoerotic Cyber Sex in itself was prohibited, but who really knows right?
4) Calling Natalie Portman gorgeous, even if the only chance I will ever have of meeting her is in my dreams, is forbidden. However, it is perfectly okay for me to agree with the moans and coos when Jude Law comes on screen.
5) Basically, if I do anything even remotely similar to anything that happened in that movie, I'm in deep shit.

Things she learned :
1) Jude Law is totally gay.
2) She is not allowed to become a stripper and get hit by a taxi, otherwise, we have to break up.
3) Seriously, he is freakin' gay.
4) Calling Natalie Portman gorgeous, even if the only chance she will ever have of meeting her is in her dreams, is frickin' hot. However, Jude Law? You guessed it. Queen.
5) Basically, if she does anything even remotely similar to anything that happened in that movie, she's in deep shit.

So yeah, it was a really great date movie. I give it two thumbs up. In my eyes. And that's it for this update. I promise I'll update more guys. Thanks for your concern and support.

*NOTE* The Author actually has no idea of Mr. Law's sexual orientation. However, a very reliable source (Marc Anthony, the gay dude at karaoke on Thursdays) told us that he would "totally suck [Jude Law] off." Therefore, through artistic interpretation, the author has decided that Mr. Law is in fact a homosexual, and that his girlfriend should never watch another movie with him in it. *END NOTE*

Comic provided by PBF Comics. ¶ 9:47 PM

Hello stranger. Howya been? You never call, you never write...... Oh, that's me. Yeah, sorry. I forgot to tell everyone that I was going on hiatus for a while. Well actually, my assistant forgot to send out the flowers with the card that would have informed everyone about said hiatus. So, she's been fed-exed to Tim Robbins' home where she will be summarily raped and tortured by Tim and his wife Susan Sarandon. Ok so I lied again. She won't be raped, just tortured. With words. About Politics. Spoken by self-righteous pricks who think that the rest of the world cares about what they have to say. I know, I know, Sean Penn wasn't available.

So seriously, did you watch the Oscars? Loser. It's ok, I'm a loser too. We'll be losers together. We'll throw a loser party. But you're paying for the bandwidth and the "virtual strippers." My 14-day trial at Youareahornylittleshit.com is up.

So Jamie Foxx won best actor. Who'd a thunkit?


Hilary Swank won her second Oscar for best Actress.


The multi-talented Antonitonytone Banderas sang a little ditty.

Oh, and Marty Scorsese, see the above picture bud. 0-5? That's horrible luck my friend. In 1980, you direct Raging Bull, and lose the Oscar to frickin' Robert Redford for Oridinary People. I wonder how many random people you can find on the street who have seen Ordinary People but not Raging Bull? Someone find out. Now. In '88 you're up for directing The Last Temptation of Christ, and lose to Barry Levinson for Rain Man. Granted, Hollywood loves retards more than they love Jesus, but I'm pretty sure that's because Jesus is sending the whole of California to hell. Except Sacramento, they're too boring for hell, they get to go to Utah.

And then Marty, in 1990, you get nominated for one of my favorite movies of all time, Goodfellas, and you fucking lose again. Not only do you lose, but you lose to that talentless hack Kevin Costner for that snore-fest of a movie Dances with Wolves. Maybe I'm a little biased, but I may have actually liked Costner as an actor if he was in Goodfellas. And he got his head smashed in with a baseball bat. And Bobby DeNiro said "You're gonna dig the hole" to Pesci. Maybe I would have liked him then.

And, unfortunately, Gangs of New York had to come out in the same year that Roman Polanski's The Pianist, and there was no way that Daniel Day Lewis could pull out a good enough performance to completely cover up the stench emitted by Leo DiCaprio. DiCrappio. I gotta book coming out.

But what do you do? You go with Leo as your lead again. Why? The guy gets nominated (not-surprisingly) for playing a mentally handicapped teenager in What's Eating Gilbert Grape, and doesn't do anything good again. And yes, I'm definitely including Titanic and both of your last movies in that broad generalization.

Maybe you're getting old, maybe the Academy is a bunch of pompous, self-aggrandizing pricks. I'm pretty sure that both are correct.

So there is my first post in a long time. Love it, Hate it, just don't use 409 to clean the "excitement" off of your monitor. It streaks. Don't ask me how I know that. ¶ 6:37 PM

So school starts next week. And I'm actually ready for it to begin. I have done nothing all break but sit around on my ass and play San Andreas, oh and I "worked" if you can call it that. So needless to say, I'm going a little crazy going a little crazy going a little crazy. So yeah, I noticed that in my last post I didn't refer to the Orange Bowl, and this is the only reference that's going to be in this post. Take it and love it. The basketball team is looking pretty good though, maybe we'll make the tourney.

I went to see Finding Neverland last Sunday with a date, and it turned out to be a great movie. Didn't think I would like it, and I didn't, I loved it, like a fat kid loves cake. Although I'm a fat kid, and I don't love cake, but you get the point. Don't you? I don't care.

See, I told you I was going crazy. The proof is in the puddin'. Did I mention that Finding Neverland is the only movie that Johnny Depp has done where he doesn't totally freak me out? Well it's true. Puddin' = proof.

Ok, I'm bored now. Go here. ¶ 8:16 PM